I choose to be alone. I don’t know why but I do. I’m sad because I’m alone but the only reason I’m alone is because I choose to not be around people. How twisted is that? Why, even though I don’t want to be sad, do I push people away?
I’m supposed to be this strong person. This person who, even though went through a horrific experience came out on top, and yet I’m not strong. Maybe I just want to be able to cry whenever and not feel like I’m hiding my tears. I’m not supposed to cry because I’m strong. I’m only strong some of the time. I’m so weak at other times. I crumble so easily and quickly and for nothing. One thing can happen or be said and I’m that 11 yr. old girl sitting there so confused. So scared. So lost and alone.
Why? What does a person have to go through to make them get to a point that in their head its ok to do something so awful to their innocent little baby girl? How could anyone ever do that? And keep doing it? Even seeing how much it hurts them and how much they want you to stop. Can’t you see its killing me? Don’t you care? Doesn’t it kill you that you’re killing me? How did you get the privilege of being my father? You don’t deserve that title.
I wish I could meet the girl I would’ve been. I wish she had the opportunity to be. She could’ve been so great. So confident. So full of love and joy. So full or hope for great happiness and a great future. She could’ve had a father who cared about her walk her down the aisle one day and be there to hold her first child. Take her fishing.
She would’ve been great.
Instead there’s this girl who at times is whole. But full of so many tiny little holes that fill up with air and at times is so broken. So afraid of what the future looks like. So afraid that she’ll never be whole. Not the way she could’ve been. Not the way she should’ve been. This girl, this girl is shattered. Full of doubt. Doubt about herself doubt about her worth doubt about everything important in life. This girl who could’ve been great is now cursed to be damaged forever… even when she appears whole don’t let her fool you. At any moment she feels deep sadness. Deep regret. Deep guilt.
Why? Why didn’t you stop him? All you had to do was tell someone. Anyone. A teacher. A friend. A brother. It’s bad enough it happened to you but to her? That could’ve been stopped. Why didn’t you do anything? You know it’s awful and you know he’s a monster. Why wouldn’t you think he would keep doing it? All the threats he gave to you about her and you didn’t think he would do it? Why not? Are you insane?
Is she ok? I know I am damaged goods but is she? Will she be able to date and not screw everything up? Will she date people who use her like you do? Why do you think you deserve someone great when you aren’t anything great? You want to be someone who is ok, and happy, and whole. But you’re not and you won’t be. Probably ever. I hope she will be ok. One of us has to have a chance at greatness. I fear I am doomed forever. Doomed to be alone forever. Because I choose to be alone. Maybe I think I don’t deserve greatness or maybe I think I’m better off alone. Either way I’m doomed.
Happy New Year